Well, here’s some information you might not have expected to receive from The Resourceful Mother – my thoughts and tips on online dating! Yes, I did this on and off for many years.
5 insights I want to share with you:
- We all enjoy meeting people in person far more than “shopping” for someone online. Meeting the love of our life online is no one’s first choice. Having said that, if we don’t think online dating will work, it likely won’t – our thoughts usually become our reality.
- We are all wired to care about appearance, even if we pretend we are not. There are individuals with no picture of themselves on their profile, who say that appearance doesn’t matter, yet they are contacting others, telling them they are beautiful. Of course, we all know that our inner beauty is far more important than our outer beauty but it is much easier to see when we meet in person!
- Anyone who needs to say they are honest when they are describing themselves, particularly if they have made the word part of their user name, has had challenges with honesty in the past. As a life coach, I would ask that individual, “When have YOU not been honest in the past?” No one needs to state they are loyal, kind or in possession of any trait that we all aspire to have.
- Individuals showing pictures of their homes, cars, motorcycles or other external means of gratification in their profile may not be fully aware of their OWN greatness and believe they need to entice a partner in this way.
- Anyone repeating thoughts in their profile, such as how important their children are to them, is clearly demonstrating their priority or showing you an area of their life where they are struggling. For example, someone stating, over and over, how important their children are might be having a challenge finding enough time to have a romantic relationship and spend enough time with their children.
11 tips for effective online dating:
- Your profile needs to contain pictures that are current and representative of your true essence. You are going to meet the person that is looking at your pictures – they will SEE that you are heavier or older than your pictures! Tricking people with our pictures or words is a recipe for disaster in any relationship.
- I have never heard of a woman who feels a quickening in her loins seeing a picture of a man proudly holding up a dead fish they caught! You need to think of what would INTEREST your future partner when you choose your pictures and the wording of your profile.
- The write-up in your profile needs to share a little about your interests, passions, and beliefs. If you make your profile too general, you are wasting time attracting individuals where there is no long term potential. If someone doesn’t like the specifics of what you share, they are NOT FOR YOU! Brevity is key – people’s attention span online is usually limited.
- I don’t recommend texting anyone more than a few times before setting up a phone call. Texting can raise both parties’ hopes unnecessarily.
- Never meet anyone unless you have spoken on the phone first. A phone conversation is far better at showing you whether there is chemistry or not. You are also able to read another’s energy better on the phone, as opposed to texting.
- There is no need to state what you don’t want in a person or in a relationship. If you say you don’t want drama, you are actually attracting drama.
- Avoid putting naked or revealing pictures of yourself on your profile, unless you are simply looking to attract individuals who are more interested in having sex with you than being with you physically, mentally and emotionally. The same rule applies to the pictures you choose to send a potential partner.
- Refrain from responding to anyone in whom you are not interested. There is no need to thank anyone for their compliments or clarify anything. If you write someone, they usually think you ARE interested in them even if you have clearly stated that you are not.
- If in the first few days of contact, someone tells you they love you or they want to live with you or they heavily compliment you, these are all red flags. Real feelings take some time to develop.
- If you keep attracting married people, who are pretending to be single, subconsciously, you are not ready for a true, committed relationship. If you keep attracting people who don’t want to see you again but you want to see them again, focus more on coming to love yourself. If you keep attracting great people but there is no chemistry between you, God hasn‘t sent you the right person yet; there are bigger priorities right now.
- Never assume or hope that you can change anything about the person you are interested in dating. You need to like them for exactly who they are. If someone states they are trying to quit smoking, assume they will not accomplish it and decide if you are okay with that. We all have aspects of ourselves that are not as strong as we would like them to be, things we don’t like doing or things we can’t do and our ideal partner needs to be okay with that and vice versa.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, the longer we take to meet our life partner, the longer we can be working on coming to love ourselves and the more likely we will attract someone who has been doing the same! We have long-term relationships with people who love themselves to the same degree we do. I saw the contrast in the men I attracted through online dating over the years…if you work on yourself long enough, you can meet a type of man you never knew existed!