There Is A Place

There is a place where each of us can go where….

  • We remain at peace no matter what goes on around us
  • When someone or something hurts us, we are okay and familiar with feeling the pain; we know how to arrive at the truth of the matter, so that we can return to our peaceful state faster than we ever could before
  • We can see others clearly and know that none of their negativity or discomfort with themselves has anything to do with us
  • Time is altered; we can effortlessly fit everything in that we want to do in a day
  • When plans don’t go the way we expect them to, we know that there is something more important that we need to be doing and we quickly learn what it is
  • Others can see who we really are within minutes of meeting us
  • We can instantly bond with others because we see others with such love and clarity
  • Breathing deeply and freely is easy to do because fear no longer pervades our thoughts
  • We are guided as to what we need to say and do at just the right moment
  • We live almost entirely in the present moment, enjoying everything thoroughly; thoughts of the pain of our past circumstances are infrequent and fleeting
  • We are constantly filled with gratitude for everything we have, right down to our toothbrush!
  • No bucket list exists because we are so happy doing exactly what we are doing (Yes, we think it would nice to go to Australia but there is no burning desire because we are so content in this moment)
  • We do what we are passionate about regularly and we enjoy everything we do, including the housework and paying bills, simply because we are so happy within
  • We laugh easily, often and loudly and we truly have fun, no matter what we are doing
  • Our imperfections barely bother us because we forgive ourselves and because we know our greatness supersedes those imperfections
  • We forget more and more, as time goes on, the ways in which others hurt us because we truly forgive those individuals
  • We are thankful to every teacher we have ever had because we are pleased with who we are and where we are at in our lives
  • It is easy to see that we are all one and easy to see the flow all around us
  • We exert very little effort to achieve what we want; we easily manifest the people, the knowledge and the circumstances we need
  • We know we are safe at all times, even in a dark alley by ourselves!
  • We know the universe has our back and that we are ALWAYS taken care of
  • We know we are finally operating from LOVE at all times, as opposed to fear.

I live in this place. This is heaven on earth. This place is available to every one of us on earth. If I had known it existed, I might have found this place sooner but no one told me exactly where I was headed. I woke up one morning knowing I had to tell you about this place, so you could find it too.

Narcissists – Identifying and Understanding Them

I spend a lot of time in my life coaching sessions helping clients understand and cope with Narcissists, which made me realize that we need a greater understanding, as a whole, on this topic. The term “Narcissist” is used loosely and frequently, without necessarily knowing if a person truly fits the proper definition. In fact, Narcissists are omni-present and their numbers are on the rise.

Recently, a nationally representative sample of 35,000 Americans found that 6% of Americans, 1 out of 16, had experienced Narcissistic Personality Disorder at some point in their lives. Most of us know at least one Narcissist; some of us are related to one; some of us married one and some of us are or were friends with one.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Although mental health professionals are the best ones to diagnose this condition, here are some markers for identifying a Narcissist.  A Narcissist is an individual who:

  • Has a very low self-esteem but who appears to mask it well
  • Needs constant external validation; they crave admiration and validation
  • Is always trying to prove they are superior to others; their desire to win at all costs is all encompassing
  • Is extremely self-centered
  • Is very one-minded; they can only see things from their own perspective
  • Is hypersensitive to feeling slighted or mistreated in any way; they feel insulted and criticized when no insult or criticism was intended and they are always on the defensive
  • Always believes they are the innocent victim and that others are hostile perpetrators
  • Is willing to de-value and humiliate other people
  • Feels no pain when they hurt others; if they do feel pain, it’s a lot less than others would feel
  • Has hierarchical thinking, meaning that every person or object (they are very materialistic as well) is placed on a scale. They have troubles believing anyone is their equal.
  • Have disproportionate anger; they get very angry at things that seem quite minor to others
  • Uses extreme language; they refer to others as “perfect” , “the best” or “the absolute worst” and there is nothing in between
  • Uses cruel and inappropriate language; they say things out loud that others might think but don’t voice for fear of hurting others i.e. “That is the dumbest waitress I’ve ever had.”
  • Have an inability to genuinely apologize or admit mistakes; they do not have a stable enough self-esteem to admit their mistakes and feel if they admit their mistakes, their facade of perfection will end or another will humiliate them
  • Has a difficult time sustaining serious, intimate relationships

What is THE key to understanding Narcissists?

When a child experiences a lot of pain and their self-esteem is destroyed, Narcissism can be the result. When one does not receive the love they need, they can become “selfish” and spend the rest of their lives trying to meet their own needs in unhealthy ways. And certainly, our celebrity culture, media and the internet are contributing to the rise in this self-centered way of thinking.

When we understand that a Narcissist is simply coping with their pain, it can help ignite compassion within us. Having this information can help us refrain from taking a Narcissist’s actions or words personally and assist us in dealing with them effectively. The key to healing narcissistic thoughts is to become aware of them and then take the steps to coming to love oneself (outlined in my book “The Resourceful Mother’s Secrets to Emotional Health”). Taking these steps teaches an individual how to increase their self-esteem, so that they can internally validate themselves, as opposed to seeking external validation.

Sources Used: “The Truth about Narcissistic Personality Disorder” by Elinor Greenberg PhD, CGP in Psychology Today and “Narcissism Epidemic: Why There Are So Many Narcissists Now” by Lindsay Lyon, Staff Writer, US News.

Celebrating Canada’s 150th This Weekend

Last week, a young Triple A hockey player came to my office, wanting help preparing himself both physically and emotionally to hit the big leagues. Within a few minutes of talking to him, I noticed that he didn’t have a vision for his future in the NHL. By the time we finished our appointment, he left with a clear vision of what he wanted and a big smile on his face.

A year ago, my friends and I created a vision of how we would celebrate Canada’s 150th in Ottawa this weekend. Many people in both Toronto and Ottawa warned us about the expected bad weather, the crowds, the security lines, and the traffic that we would have to face. We maintained our vision.

On Saturday, July 1st the energy in the Byward Market and in front of the Parliament buildings was palpable. Prince Charles described “peace, fairness and respect” as “the spirit of Canada”. He said that Canada was looked up to around the world for how inclusive we are and for our compassion and caring for others. He spoke about how inspiring we are as a nation. My heart swelled with pride because I knew his words to be true. The natives were at the eternal flame dressed in full regalia, singing and dancing. Members of the RCMP were omnipresent. Peter Mansbridge was in attendance; it was his last day of work before heading into retirement. There were numerous homegrown singers performing on the stage, one after the other.

When the torrential rain came, my friends and I were under tents and in sheltered areas, having our pictures taken with groups of policemen. When we waited for an hour at a table to be served drinks, we went up to the bar and were sipping our drinks within five minutes of ordering them! One of the bartenders was a part-time stripper…I guess I said a few things that got him going and before you knew it, he had ripped off his white suspenders and was pulling them back and forth between his legs, while the customers witnessing his display went crazy. The Canadians sitting around the bar were so friendly, quick to laugh, kind and complimentary (would that really be different than any other bar in Canada?). We were all talking to one another at this point, enjoying drinks with one another, and taking pictures. A couple of hours later, none of us wanted to leave but it was time to prepare to see the fireworks. When we saw the long winding lines leading up to the top of Parliament Hill, we didn’t turn away but joined right in, talking to all sorts of people on the way up. At the second security checkpoint, my friend made one of the policemen so happy with her compliment that he shouted out how much he loved his job, giving her a huge hug and smiling for my camera.

It was Prime Minister Trudeau and his wife, Sophie that greeted us on the stage at Parliament Hill. They were clearly so happy to be there, so enthusiastic and loving. They talked about how Canada was always improving and described setting our sights higher and higher. They took turns describing their beliefs about Canadians and the direction our country was moving in. They introduced more of our Canadian greats such as Gordon Lightfoot, Serena Ryder, The Tragically Hip and Patrick Watson, prior to each of their performances. Even Montreal – born Cirque du Soleil put on a show for us!

By the time the fireworks were blasted into the hot night’s sky, my pride in Canada was overflowing. As I watched the lights shooting all around the Peace Tower, I looked around at the crowd surrounding me and took in the smiles on their faces and their applause. I noticed the young and old dressed to show their patriotism and then heard all their loud cheering as the final set of fireworks was set off. I got choked up thinking about how safe our nation really is and how much freedom we each have to be ourselves and live the lives that we want to live.

To get home, we hopped on a bus decorated as a Canadian flag but were unsure of where our stop was. A young girl who came to Canada from a war-torn part of Afghanistan five years ago, gave us directions in perfect English so that we could make it home.

And in the end, I realized that my vision for celebrating Canada’s 150th birthday had come true; it was exactly how I had hoped it would be, in fact, it was even better. And so was my vision of my country.

Start Living the Life You Dream Of

Here is some video coverage of me talking about how to stop sabotaging ourselves and start living the life we always dreamed of. This was one of my favourite seminars. Thank you to Marguerite Mantha (@mantha_manth) for asking me to join her on that special evening.

I want to tell you about a man who never knew how amazing a parent he truly was – my father

My father was the first father in Oakville to be awarded sole custody of his children….I was four years old and my brother was only one. My dad made every weekend an absolute delight. We hiked, biked, canoed, camped, and skiied regularly. We spent hours and hours at the library, Ontario Place, Harbourfront, Bronte Park, Algonquin, Grandview ..and so many other incredible places. We travelled all over Canada. He took us to meet Eskimos in the Yukon, went panning for gold and it was there that I caught my first fish with a smaller fish inside…

He made us tiny pancakes, cut all sorts of incredible shapes out of apples, made us ice cream cones with delicious candies embedded inside. We watched “Emergency”, the “Beachcombers” and Disney movies every Sunday night. He took us to the variety store where he taught us how to spend money wisely; he also taught us how to save. He converted an old tv into a puppet theatre. He watched every show my brother and I put on for him. He converted boxes into robots. We made forts with him in the snow and the leaves, as well as in our blankets and chairs inside. When it was a special occasion, he cut footprints out of paper and we had to follow them around the house to find our presents. He bought us big helium balloons and special, meaningful gifts. He went to a lot of work every April Fools’ Day. And Christmas was so abundant. When I only received one toy but a lot of clothes one Christmas, I cried. My Dad comforted me and explained that I was growing up and I didn’t need that many toys anymore. When we got home from visits with our mom, we found newspaper clippings on our desks that he thought would interest us, small items he thought we would like, and notes he had written us.

When my father put my brother and myself to bed, he told us wonderful stories that he made up all by himself. We spent hours each night in an even more beautiful world than this one. I used to have many nightmares. One night, my dad picked me up from my bed in my nighty and took me to the end of the driveway and set a fire there for me. We roasted marshmallows together.
My dad called me “Twinkle Toes” because of my zest for life. He told me I was brave. He told me I was important. He told me I could do anything and I knew he believed it. He told me when I made smart decisions. He helped me sort the lies out from the truth; I could always count on him to always be honest with me. He taught me values. He modelled integrity and hard work. He helped me with my school work, explaining the tricky concepts to me. My brother and I respected him so much that we never misbehaved. And we both knew how much love our father had for us; his eyes said it all.

When I reached the age of ten, my dad remarried. Our whole world turned upside down. My father put my stepmom in charge of raising us. We hardly saw him after that. He climbed to great positions in the corporate world. Years later, I came to realize that my Dad never knew his importance in our lives. He never knew what an incredible father he had been to us. My mother, nanny and then stepmom caused such pain for us that subconsciously he felt he had failed us.

My dad no longer speaks to me. He lives across the country from me. I never was able to convince him of what an amazing father he was. He has other children with my stepmom and they are a big part of his life now that he is retired: I am happy he is not alone. But I believe he hurts every day because he feels he failed my brother and me. I will always love my dad and be grateful for those first 10 years of my life with him. I hope that whatever my dad is doing today, he has a good Father’s Day.

Lens of the Heart

Here are some excerpts from the hour long talk I gave at the Mindful Parenting conference last fall. You can see that there are many simple steps one can take to improve their relationship with their child and themselves. 🙂

I help parents understand this material in one-on-one sessions as well.

A Letter to My Daughters This Mother’s Day

When I met the father of my girls, I told him that having children would be the most important thing I ever did with my life. This baffled him because I was such a corporate girl, at the time. Shortly after we were married, I even went so far as to tell him that I thought we should apply for adoption, in case we were never able to have children. That’s how important having children was to me.

Giving birth and raising my girls has been the greatest pleasure of my life. And having my girls led me to my calling. Because of what they taught me, I get to be a “mother” to many individuals, through my company “The Resourceful Mother”.

I am dedicating this blog post to my girls, Taylor and Paige. Oh boy, the tears have already started welling up in my eyes…

Dearest Taylor and Paige,

Your bodies taught me the value of eating healthily and we can see the results of doing so in all aspects of our lives. Your emotions have shown me the value of truly feeling, then encouraged me to learn how to process those emotions properly and, in turn, allowed us to always find the perspective we needed to heal from any situation. Your minds have challenged me to find greater wisdom, guiding us to learning unique information about this world. Your spirits caused me to probe deeper into what lies beyond that which we are able to see and, as a result, we know that we are never alone on this planet and that there are a multitude of beings that help us each and every day. Your hearts, open wide right from the start, pried mine wide open, which then allowed us to keep our hearts wide open, as we navigated the trials of being human.

I was not truly living until the two of you entered my life. I owe my energetic body, my deep joy, my unique wisdom, my deep connection to spirit and my great love and respect for myself and others to the two of you. And I now know that this is an opportunity that EVERY parent has when they give birth and raise a child.

We have spent almost 18 years learning from one another. This fall, you head off to university, Taylor. I don’t feel any pulls at my heart strings because I know I have done my job and you have done yours; I have full confidence that you have everything you need to venture forth in this world. And Paige, you will enter grade 11, and through your co-op, you will decide the direction you will take in venturing forth in this world. I have full confidence that you will make the right decision for you. Whether or not either one of you makes the large contribution to this world that you plan to make, our souls have evolved in the direction they were meant to go in.

I am infinitely grateful for the two of you. I thank you for the depth of our connection and for the profound joy and never-ending love that we experience. I thank you for giving me the family I always wanted so badly. Thank you for allowing me to celebrate the gift of YOU each Mother’s Day and every day of my life.

All my love and appreciation,

Mama

Easter – A Time to Love and Respect Ourselves

In Part One of this blog, we learned how to forgive another.

How do we know when we have forgiven another?

We have forgiven another when we can be around them or speak to them without being negatively affected by them. We no longer let what they do or say to us control our self-respect or well-being. The state we reach is called “detachment”. When we are detached, we can disagree with another but still love them. We no longer feel that we have to defend ourselves nor do we fear that they will trigger our old hurts. We see their pain or suffering, often coming to the realization that they don’t love themselves. And we know that their lack of love for themselves has NOTHING to do with us. As I say in my second book “If we can eventually reach the point where we no longer blame another but say instead, “I don’t believe the part of you that hurt me is who you really are,” then we know we have forgiven.”

It is important to know that once we forgive another, we don’t need to remain in a relationship with them. If they continue to disrespect us or refuse to act with love in their heart, the relationship can safely end.

In Part Two of this blog, we learned how to forgive ourselves.

How do we know when we have forgiven ourselves?

We have forgiven ourselves when we replace self-rejection with self-acceptance. When we don’t like ourselves, we attract people and events that reflect those negative feelings about ourselves; we see this turning around once we have forgiven ourselves. When we start taking responsibility, we start feeling worthy of receiving what we desire; we let go of our unhealthy patterns and decrease the frequency and intensity of the negative experiences in our lives. This results in greater self-control and a calmer existence. The forgiveness leads to accepting, respecting and eventually loving ourselves – even when we act crazy or feel jealous or sad at times! When we can truly love ourselves for who we are, that is the beginning of our freedom as humans and that is when everything good comes into our lives; we literally reprogram our future. We can refer to this stage of our lives as our “rebirth”.

On this Easter Sunday, I want you to have a glimpse into what it means to experience rebirth from an emotional standpoint. Our rebirth means we have come to love and respect ourselves like never before and have let go of our biggest unhealthy patterns. Throughout our lives, we work on loving and respecting ourselves more and more.

What does our rebirth feel like?

I provide a many-page description of this in my second book but I want to give you a glimpse of this stage of our lives for it is truly incredible, once we reach it. When we love and respect ourselves, we have taken responsibility for our actions and words, worked with our emotions and set healthy boundaries with others. Because of taking these steps over and over, we feel safe and others feel safe with us. We move away from conflict and drama, no longer needing it to fill our egos, and our lives become more peaceful. Our happiness and peace are no longer attached to people behaving in a certain way or things going our way. We are happy, peaceful and in a state of grace, even if things don’t go the way we want them to. The amount of peace we feel becomes our measure of accomplishment. We don’t become immune to pain but we become better equipped to handle it. When we love ourselves, we apply love to each situation and get faster at seeing the gift in every circumstance. We see life as a gift; we are grateful for that gift and life delivers. We luxuriate in the richness of life because we know we deserve it.

If you need help with any of the steps to forgiving others or yourself or experiencing your rebirth, I am here for you. Helping others heal physically and emotionally is my BIGGEST passion and I truly know how to do it. Wishing you the happiest of Easters and sending each of you an Easter bouquet of love, compassion, peace and joy! Your Easter Egg hunt of reading my three blogs and taking your inner journey over this important weekend is now officially over…. or is it?

Easter – A Time To Forgive Ourselves

Sometimes forgiving ourselves is more difficult than forgiving others but there is nothing more crucial to our overall well-being than making peace with ourselves. If we do not forgive ourselves, we continue to use our past to beat ourselves up and we sabotage our biggest dreams.

In my second book, I explain “It is easy for us to dwell on our regrets, the things we lack, the things we missed out on and the things we could have done differently. (Forgiving ourselves) means letting go of blaming (judging or disliking) ourselves; none of us deserves blame. It means being sensitive to our own suffering and coming to understand why we are the way we are, why we have certain beliefs, why we feel the way we do and being okay with all of it. It is only when we can accept our stories (whatever happened to us in the past) and forgive ourselves entirely that we can obtain the wisdom that our stories hold for us.”

Each of us is good at our core. You might insist that someone you know is truly BAD at their core but you could never convince me that this is the truth. Even if you told me that you had murdered twenty people, I would simply know that you were in ridiculous pain. I would look at you with eyes filled with love, just as I did before you told me of the horrible crimes you had committed.

You see, as I said in my prior blog, we each have this internal gauge of what’s right and what’s wrong. For obvious reasons, we need that gauge. What we don’t need is the constant punishment we inflict upon ourselves. But society makes us think that it’s not okay to make “mistakes” and that when we do, we deserve to be punished. Society does not see us as normal, unless we are continually aware of what we did wrong and perpetually beat ourselves up for it. I will say it again – each of us is good at our core. WE ARE MEANT TO LEARN FROM OUR “MISTAKES”, NOT PUNISH OURSELVES CONTINUOUSLY. Religions and their talk of our daily sins do not help us understand this concept. “Mistakes” are simply learning ground; they provide us with feedback as to what works and what doesn’t work.

In addition to understanding the above, something else is required in order to forgive ourselves. If applicable, we need to take responsibility for the times in which we under-performed, behaved without integrity or failed to be grateful for the people or things in our lives (or that were once in our lives and are no longer). We take responsibility by apologizing to those we hurt by our “mistakes”. Making things right, in this way, helps us make peace with our stories and subsequently feel better about ourselves. Lastly, after we apologize, we need to begin treating others with love and respect and living our lives with integrity. The more we forgive ourselves for our past, the easier time we will have of this.

I invite you to make a list of the “mistakes” you have made for which you have not forgiven yourself. I invite you to make a list of the lessons each “mistake” taught you; take your time with this. Then, make a list of the ways in which you are punishing yourself for your past “mistakes”. Finally, write down one unhealthy pattern you are going to let go of i.e. lack of exercise, smoking, excessive shopping etc starting this week. This is how we slowly begin the process of forgiving ourselves. And this is how we slowly begin living the lives we are all meant to live.

For two decades now, any time something hasn’t gone well for me in my life and I turn it around, I think to myself “How will I use this to teach others?” I encourage you to share your insights, as a result of reading this blog, so that others might learn from YOU.

And watch for Easter Sunday’s blog describing rebirth and exactly what that feels like!

Pleeease tell me you are enjoying your Easter Egg Hunt, making your personal discoveries!

My Delight in Discovering Kiss Me Organics’ Organic Dandelion Root Tea

Kiss Me OrganicsAs a nutritionist, I am well aware of the nutritional value of herbal teas and drink them often to obtain the nutrients my body craves.  When I learned of Kiss Me Organics’ Dandelion Root Tea, I was absolutely amazed.

Here are the Benefits of Dandelion Root:

  1. Cleanses the liver and helps eliminate acidity and toxins from the body
  2. Contains a lot of Minerals, particularly iron, zinc, calcium and potassium
  3. Is loaded with Vitamins A, C, D and B complex (helpful for stress!)
  4. Is recognized as a great blood builder and purifier
  5. Supports healthy digestion and therefore helps the body absorb nutrients better
  6. Is a mild diuretic. Because potassium is often lost when using regular diuretics, dandelion root is a much better choice
  7. Lowers cholesterol. One study showed that dandelion root lowered the LDL and triglycerides in mice, while increasing HDL
  8. Contains organic sodium, which is needed when there is a deficiency of nutritive salts

And the tea is organic, meaning that there is even more nutrient value in this tea than non-organic forms, and there is no sugar or artificial flavouring. Plus, unlike other brands of Dandelion Root Tea, this one has RAW dandelion, meaning all the enzymes are intact.

And get this!  It contains hibiscus and cinnamon too!  Both of these foods regulate blood sugar.  When our blood sugar is stable, we concentrate better; our energy stays high and our moods remain stable.

As if that is not enough, the tea is truly delicious! Lots of health bloggers and celebrities are even drinking the tea, such as Jillian Michaels and Kim Kardashian.

The tea is easy to order.  Simply click on the link: www.kissmeorganics.com/dandelionhealth. To help kick-start your healthy drinking, there is a 10% discount and free shipping included if you order now!

Thanks to Kiss Me Organics, I have now made their Organic Dandelion Root Tea a regular indulgence in my life.  It is truly incredible to me that a tea can offer this much.    

Meredith Deasley, BA, RHN, RNCP, ACC is a registered Holistic Nutritionist and Certified Life Coach and owner of the company called The Resourceful Mother.  She has been dedicated to connecting families to health and happiness, since 2002.  She has authored two books, one on physical healing and one on emotional healing.  Her company www.theresourcefulmother.com is dedicated to finding the most pure and nutritious foods & supplements to recommend to families around the world.